TOW Friends

Courtesy technology, its so darn easy to stay and make friends. Over 500 Facebook friends and 200 in phone book, we are rich in friends or so we believe!

And it is true as well, depending on your definition. People on your Facebook Friends list are your friends, isn't that the definition?

I believe I am fairly, 'Friendly'. I do not come out as hostile or arrogant, I am easy to talk to. But I hardly believe I make new friends. 

There is an inner most circle, reserved for friends cherished over years. People who I can crib and bitch to. People I can drop by unannounced and not think twice. People I would not fuss about, those I can and would go to great extent for. My 2'O clock friends. Those who know me inside out and still like the real one.

I hardly think there would be too many new additions in there over years.

In Hindi, there are three words to define 'You':

Aap: The most formal one. Used out of respect and distance.

Tu: The most informal one.

Tum: The one in between.

Over the past 4-5 years, there hasn't been any addition to people I refer as 'Tu'. Its still for family and friends I made years ago. Rest all are 'Tums' and 'Aaps'.

I have made several mistakes in past. Foot-in-the-mouth disease is something I have suffered for long. Its still there, just a lot more controlled. And probably its the fear of this disease that I suffer more from. I say something which is rude or arrogant or not taken in the right spirit. I should much rather not say things that don't offend me too much.

I very conveniently claim that its not easy to make good friends in the corporate world because of all the politics and pressure. You say something in confidence and next thing you know, its floating around in air. But then I wonder, would I even trust myself or my clone in nature if I met her? Am I the same person, I was 8-10 years ago? Yes, I have had many experiences, several pleasant and some unpleasant. 

I have built a thick guard around myself in office, one which is not penetrable. So much so that now I don't even realise I am not laughing as much as I used to. I am not talking as much as I do outside. There are no PJs, no comments, no sarcasm in my talk. Things which are (were??) my defining trait.  Often, I do not understand them as well. Like there is a switch which gets turned off and in comes a mask. 

Yes, I still can't deceive or lie. I still have my conscience in place. I still don't like petty games.

I still have the same characteristics. I just don't let anyone come close enough to know that.

It may be a need for survival. But, I don't like the fact that I would not befriend myself in the office. I would not bitch to someone exactly like me. And I miss someone like that :(

The Ungli moment

Have you watched that clip from Pyaar ka Panchnaama...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BA9MRXWR8g

where the man claims that there are times, when he has a fight with his girl friend and he has all arguments in his favor. He is sure that this time he will have his point proven. But, during the fight, somehow he will raise a finger at her and suddenly the whole discussion would come down to 'how dare he raise his finger at her'. Everything else forgotten,flushed down the gutter, the whole discussion is about the raised finger.

I believe we have the same thing at our place, sadly with role reversal. I am dead angry and not in a mood to take any more non-sense. My dear husband knows the mood and he would press just enough buttons to push me over my patience limit. He knows exactly how to break me down and draw a reaction. And the angered, battered I am at that time, I give in. Give him enough to move the conversation there, how dare I say something so rude. Everything else forgotten, not to be discussed, the argument is about the raised finger... I am so damn pissed off!!!

Take your pick!!

If you are told that there are only three categories of women:

Slut : One who sleeps with others for the sake of personal gains: monetary or otherwise.

Bitch : One who back stabs and makes relations of convenience. In general rude and most certainly not to be trusted with.

Devi : The ideal one. One who makes sacrifices, is polite, gentle and in general liked and adored.

Which one would you be closest to? 

I believe, we would all rush towards the 'Devi', claiming that though not perfectly there, this is what we are closest to.

In corporate world, these categories exist, only the definitions are a bit different:

Slut : One who is friendly and easy to talk to. Even talks to men who seek help!!! Would not mind sharing jokes or a cup of coffee with male colleagues. Is equally comfortable talking to men and women. If someone tells that he wants to do 'friendship' or 'know more' than she is comfortable, she will politely refuse, not wanting to hurt the feelings, but wanting to make the point clear. 

Bitch: Absolute opposite of slut. Not easy to approach or talk to. Speaks her mind and keeps to herself. Would not go out of the way to accommodate others, would stick to strict rules and guidelines, not wanting to bend them for anyone. May give a cold, stern look if something inappropriate is said or done. Would rebuke if someone wants to cross the boundary she has laid.

Devi: The simple minded, docile one. Polite and gullible. Would not say no to doing others work. Would not be able to fight or resist others even at her own expense. Usually doesn't have high career ambitions, even if she has them, she doesn't know what happened to them down the line. Easy to bully and sweet talk. Loved (used) by all.

Which are you closest too? 

I believe I am usually closer to slut and am a bitch at times.

I believe I am not the Devi or at least I hope I never am. I hope that I always have the guts and intelligence to speak my mind. I hope I am never worried about what others opinion about me is.

To go or not to go

To go or not to go out of India... most if not all people working in IT Industry ask themselves at least once in their life. Many decide to leave India for work, planning to come back one day.  More than half of my friends are now settled or working outside India. 

Since, both Husband and I earn our bread from this industry, we have been disturbed by the question many a times. 

There are many good reasons to leave India for a while:

1. The money: There is a vast difference between the money you make and thereby save while working outside India than what you will make staying in India. Even if only one partner is working, you still end up saving more money compared to both working in India.

2. The work-life balance: Somehow, in IT Industry, in India, although you claim to be working only 5 days a work, you spend a lot of time working. We think staying back late to finish work or take calls is fine. Making a presentation or supporting clients over weekend is needed. I thought that as you get more experienced, you will stop doing that, but it only gets worse. There are client expectations to be met, calls to be made, budgets to be finalised or just reports to be made. People do not mind calling you after work as there is an important call next day. And we as Indians, do not say no to this. May be  its our insecurity, may be its our good nature.

3. The daily grind: Somehow this one pisses me off more than the above two. The chaos of every day life!! Things do not go as planned, nothing is predictable. What harm would happen if people acted as expected???  We(may be its just me) need so many people to run our daily life: Maids, Press-wala, doodh-waala, newspaper waala, sabzi waala, carpenter, plumber. And the more number of people we need, the more number of people who can set a day off, just by not behaving as expected. From the traffic to the time when you will be back from office, there ain't too many things you can predict. 
4. Quality of life: We live a scared life. We are scared of going out late at night. We are scared of cops as well as thieves. We are scared for the safety of our girls. We have accepted corruption as part of life. There is change undoubtedly, still... its a long way to go. Polluted air, contaminated food, pesticides, no exercise have become a part of our life. Life style diseases have become much more common than before.

....

There would be more reasons which point towards moving out for a while. Husband has been contemplating the option. But, I could reason out (or just put my foot down) blatantly.

The temptation to go for just a couple of years, earn well and come back is just that... a temptation. There is never just enough money. There is always, just a little more that you can make, extending the time you spend abroad. Coming back and settling down to the chaos and discomfort becomes that much more difficult. You become alien and unaccustomed to what was a part of your life for so long.

The only reason which keeps me here is the knowledge that I am close to both my and husband's folks. They can call us at any time. We can visit them as often as we want, even for a weekend and they can do the same. Its not an option that we avail too often. But, still it just keeps me at peace.

I don't know how long my adamant self would be able to stand against the 'logic' of leaving India just for a while... Hope its quite long. 

A Thousand Splendid Suns

There I was, sitting quite high in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, wondering what I am doing with my life, how everything is stagnant and dissatisfying.

And then I was shaken to reality by 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' by Khaled Hosseini. 

Here I am educated, having a loving family and wondering about the complexities of life. Being able to read, write, voice my opinions and decide for myself.

And there lies a world, not far from here where being a woman is a sin in itself. A quote from this book: 

There is only one, only one skill a woman like you and me needs in life, and they don’t teach it in school . . . Only one skill. And it’s this: tahamul. Endure . . .

When a 60 year old man can proudly say and mock his 15 years old second wife, "What is it that is saving you now? Your wits or me" and quite rightly so. 

A world, where whatever a man does is acceptable and to be endured and respected. Where his words are the final and beyond question. Where you may not be allowed to show your face to the world, let alone voice your opinion.

I felt thankful, happy and sad at the same time for the two worlds that are there. There are loads of things that have fallen in just the right place for us, so that we can crib for the trivial things in life. 

This perspective may not last long, but, it will be good enough to keep me sane for sometime. 

To hell with hypocrisy

I am bored of my job.... not that it is news anymore. 

I am bored to an extent that I dream of quitting the job and being a house wife.... and I won't be the nice, skilled housewife, who manages a clean, beautiful home and cooks yummy food. I will be the kind of housewife who sleeps till noon, wakes up, eats, reads, sleeps some more and nags her husband that he spends way too much time in the office.

And in that day dreaming of what I can do other than being a demanding housewife, I realized I can write...... For 'Mills and Boon'. I don't know if the company has changed their plots now, but, the ones that I have read have a certain defined pattern and I can do that!!! 
I can write cheezy ways of how the girl and the guy meet, how they were so attracted to each other and the usual M&B drama. And I will keep all my feminist ideas aside and the girl will invariably always be the damsel in distress, waiting to be rescued. Hero will save her from fire, wild animals, goons, aliens, vampires, any thing. I know I will be good... I have an alternate career option now... Yay!!!

What a man can do

There are men who ruin you for other men. 

Men who get inside your mind and tell you how mean and cruel men can be. How they can't be trusted. Men who show you the extent of their depravity. Men who rape and murder 'Nirbhaya's. Men who molest children, sometimes their own. Men who kill their loved ones in the name of honor. Men who make you hate men. 

If the world was made of only such men, all women would begin hating all men...

But, then come the second kind, those who ruin you differently.

Men who are heroes, sometimes fictional, like Atticus Finch from 'To kill a mocking bird' or Rhett Butler in 'Gone with the wind' or Hank Rearden from 'Atlas Shrugged'. 

Mostly they are all flesh and blood, men you love, respect, trust and adore. Men you would listen to, not because they order, but because they are right. Men existing as fathers, husbands, uncles and friends....

Men who set things straight, the righteous and courageous ones. Men who are not afraid of truth. Men who are gentle yet tough. Men who who give the word "Man" a character, only they can. Men who make you demand and expect so much more from yourself and other men. Men who tell you what a man can achieve. Men who can frustrate you when others don't meet the standards set by them.

They may not know or claim this, but, they are the reason human race is still not extinct.

I love these men!!!